Promposals: A Dying Art
written by Noah Beukelman
As we are all aware, prom season is already in full swing. The peaceful days are behind us, as we have been forcibly thrust into the endless chasm of “OMG what group are you in??? Have you found a date??? WHAT IF NOBODY ASKS ME???? THIS IS THE END OF THE WORLD!!” One small piece of the endless cyclone of drama is the process of the “promposal”. The promposal is an individual’s way of asking someone to be their date to the event, while simultaneously giving a clear indication of how much their date means to them. The balancing act of doing something sweet and thoughtful, while also not coming off as a wack-job, is a tricky one to manage. Never fear East Ridge High School, your saving grace is here. This is your fool-proof guide to the perfect promposal.
First and foremost, when asking that special gal to go to the dance with you, it is important to ask her boyfriend what kind of hobbies and interests she has to swiftly sweep her off her feet. Her boyfriend might object to you asking her because “he’s dating her not you” and “I’ll beat you up if you try to steal her from me.” However, he is just testing your dedication to her, pass the test by asking her anyway.
Second, skip the pre-ask. Pre-asking someone if they would want to go with you before doing the actual promposal shows that you’re a coward and don’t think she’s worth being brave. If you really want to impress her, skip the pre-ask entirely and ask her in a public place with no prior knowledge of whether or not she has a date. The possibilities are endless. You could ask her on the morning announcements, in front of all her friends, you could even have a Superbowl commercial just for her. Communication will kill any chance you have with her, so do not pre-ask her, no matter what.
Third, prom is supposed to be one of the most magical experiences of the high school career. This night, if done properly, will last in our memories for the rest of our lives. Every girl will want a promposal that reflects this life-lasting memory. To honor this wish for a memory that lasts a lifetime, ask her to prom by getting “PROM?” tattooed on your forehead. She will see that you want this night to be a lifelong memory as much as she does and will say yes instantly.
Fourth, show her that she will be going with someone who truly wants the promposal to be about her. To do this, you must create a life sized model of her that you make out of paper mache, various scraps of her hair, some old clothes of hers, her toenails, and pictures you take of her while she sleeps. When she sees the masterpiece you have created, she will be amazed. In fact, she will immediately call 911 just to show the officers just how amazing your promposal is. You truly cannot go wrong with this option.
Finally, after getting the yes to go to prom, propose on the spot. Destiny has aligned the stars for you and this girl, and that is clearly a sign that you are destined to spend your forties driving your future son Timmy to his tennis lessons. Going to prom is ALWAYS an indication that you two are in love, so you might as well propose to her right then and there because nobody would EVER go to prom as just friends.
If you follow these basic steps you will get the prom date of your dreams. Go get her, East Ridge High School. She’s waiting for ya.